Say It AIn't So!

I fear that I may be developing an intolerance to sugar. Not all sugar. Home baked desserts and such are fine. It's the store bought stuff that I'm having trouble with. I get a tummy ache after eating Chips Ahoy, Keebler, etc... I could even handle this if I could just ENJOY the flavor of such things like when I was a kid! But they don't even TASTE good to me anymore. I remember when I was a kid and the exquisite joy I would experience in eating a box of chocolaty chip cookies. But no more! Goodbye pecan sandies. Farewell soft batch cookies. Adios frosted animal crackers. I appreciate those times in my life when you were there for me. To make me feel all better when I was down or not feeling well. Alas, I have reached the point in my life where you have been replaced by ibuprofen, tylenol and tums................................sometimes I really hate growing up.

Terminal Fatigue

Venting time. If you can't take it, then just ignore and move on.

I don't get it! I don't get why things happen the way they do. I have a firm testimony that Heavenly Father is mindful of all of us. Even insignificant me. I know that I wouldn't have lasted this long without the support of not only my husband, but also my Heavenly Father. But sometimes I feel like saying, "Really? This is REALLY what I signed up for when I agreed to gain a body and come to earth?" All I ever wanted was to be a simple wife and mom. Someday a simple grandma. I knew that there would be challenges, but give me a break! I can't even go downstairs for 5 minutes to put on a load of laundry without having to rush back upstairs to deal with a crisis! Or go to the bathroom! Or check the mail! Or brush me teeth! You get the picture here? I have 4 kids. Each with their own distinctive personalities and challenges. Granted, Richard's challenges are more pronounced. But they ALL have them and they ALL need me. I feel guilty that Richard takes up 90% of my time and energy and that the rest of my kids have to share the leftover 10% with each other AND the world. I love Richard, but being his mother is exhausting. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. But that's not enough! No, not by a long shot! Let's not just make Richard autistic so that he has difficulty at school, home an in society trying to comprehend and "ape" like the "normal" people do. No, let's just make him autistic ENOUGH so that he has the disability AND is fully aware that he IS different and that he DOESN'T fit in. Let's give him that longing desire of wanting nothing more than to "fit in" and be accepted and have real friendships, even though he doesn't have a clue about what it takes to have one or even have the ABILITY to understand how it all works! Then on top of that, let's give him bipolar disorder! Oh this will be a hoot, won't it?! We can sweep this one under the rug of "family history". But wait! There's More! Let's also give him intermittent explosive disorder! Yeah, there's the cherry on top of it all! With THIS disorder, he will lose complete control at the drop of a hat. His family can amuse others with tales of Richard smashing holes in walls, ceilings and shattering windows, busting windshields, etc...The thing about intermittent explosive disorder, is that the rage can last anywhere from 2 minutes to several hours. After the "episode", the person is left with a feeling of relief. Like how most of us feel after a good cry. The difference with IED is that after that feeling of relief and the feeling of what I call "a good kind of tired", comes the feeling of incredible remorse. After the calm, comes the realization of what the person said and did during his/her "explosion". Then just for kicks, the Dad will develop congestive heart failure followed by kidney failure. We'll give them a few months to sort of catch their breath, and then take away his job. The Mom will have recurrent panic attacks. This will be fun, because she'll only THINK she's having a heart attack! But she won't have them until her husband has been unemployed long enough for their insurance to run out.

Point is, I'm tired. I have been for a long time. I'm tired of the challenges I have. I'd like to know what it's like to experience the challenges that I hear others complaining about. Like, "How are we going to spend our $10,000 bonus?" Or, "We went boating and two of the kids got sick and we ended up spending our vacation at the 4 Seasons Hotel." Sounds like paradise to me. Puking kids and all. I'm tired of having to keep all of the food locked up so that I will have the ingredients when needed to make meals. I'm tired of keeping the sharp cooking utensils locked up as well. I'm tired of having to hide food storage so that it will be there when needed. In doing this, I have to keep changing my hiding spots, because Richard is always on the prowl for food. I'm tired of popping pills into my son. Are they helping? I don't know. Can I take him off the pills? That's kind of tricky because of the risk of seizures. I'm tired of people looking at me with pity. I'm tired of people offering to help in any way they can, because I found that out to be a lie. I don't blame them. I doubt that I would volunteer to help someone in our position either. It's life. Therefore it's not neat and tidy.

I believe we all have callings that Heavenly Father issued each to each and every one of us before we came to earth. The fact that we're here, is proof that we accepted these callings with all of the tears, joy, heartbreak and happiness that come with them. The question is, am I up to the task? I believe I am. But I sure am tired. Terminal Fatigue.

New Rule!

There is a new rule in the Bowler house. No eating. EVER!! This is the only place I have left to trim the budget. I know, I'm being silly. Still, IF we could just eliminate the need for food, we could do things. You know like, get caught up on our bills. Maybe even put a little money away for a rainy day. For some of us, FINALLY getting down to where we can wear most of the clothes we have taking up space in our closets! We'd save money on dish soap too! This is a great idea! Well, except for the whole starving to death part. There always a catch, isn't there?

SO Many Experts Out There!....gee, thanks.

Sorry folks, but this one isn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows. Not angry either. Just kind of tired and frustrated. Having moved 4 times in the past 7 years, we have gotten used to the ups and downs that it involves. First the upside (see how I'm choosing to look at the positives first?). It gives us the opportunity to truly clear out the clutter. This happens twice. The first is when you're packing up your belongings and either toss out or donate to charity those things that you haven't used or seen in years and are pretty sure no one in the family is ever going to miss. The second half of clearing the clutter happens after you move into your new home, start unpacking boxes and ask yourself, "What was I thinking, bringing this or that along?" Second, if you word it the right way to your kids, you can convince them that the move counts as a family vacation. If you stay in a hotel while traveling to your new home, this definitely helps in the convincing! Third, you can convince yourself that it's OK to go out to dinner for at least the first night or two after you've moved because you haven't unpacked the dishes or cookware yet! Fourth, you get all kinds of "Welcome to The Neighborhood" coupons in the mail. Fifth, if you're moving someplace where no one knows you, you can start with a clean slate. In one sense, this is a good thing. People don't know you, so they don't expect much. The longer you can stay mysterious in this way, the longer you have to actually FIND places in the house to put all of your stuff! On the other hand, if you have a special needs child. Especially if this particular child is LOUD! You have to educate an entire new set of folks on "Why my kid acts the way he/she does". You try to prepare people by telling them that you have a 16 year old, 6 foot, 260 lb. son who is autistic, has bipolar disorder and intermittent explosive disorder, whose maturity level topped out at the age of about 9. Still, the inevitability of at least one person or more being offended, outraged and convinced that THEY know exactly what to do to "fix" your kid, never ceases to amaze me! When someone approaches the bishop saying that my son shouldn't be permitted to bless, pass or prepare the sacrament because of the things that come out of his mouth, and word gets back to me. I think to myself. "You big CHICKEN! You can pass judgment on my son, but you don't have the guts to come and talk to his parents? Yeah, I KNOW my son has struggles. I KNOW that he blurts out inappropriate comments. I also KNOW even though it is not obvious to the "world", he IS trying to act "normal", he IS trying to be a good person. And it takes every bit of strength he has to hold it together in trying to "ape" like "normal people". Especially in settings like school and church, where we all try to put our best face on. NEWSFLASH! I KNOW what you see and hear PLUS a whole lot more. I see him cry himself to sleep because he wants to be good and have friends and can't understand why he's so angry all the time and wonders what is wrong with himself! I hear him pour his heart out to God in prayer, begging for forgiveness for the things that come out of his mouth when he gets frustrated." These are things that his Dad and I can share with anyone who is truly concerned. However, there are those who are content to sit back and pass judgment on something that they have no clue about. Well gee, thanks a bunch.

I FORGOT I HAD A BLOG

Has this happened to ANYONE ELSE? I have gotten so wrapped up in Facebook that I've seriously neglected my blog. Oh the shame of it!!! Oh woe is me!!! Yadda, yadda, yadda....... OK, enough of beating myself up over this one.

Let's see. Scott stared his new job with Direct TV in Missoula, Montana Sept. 22nd. Richard, Jason, Caroline and myself joined him here Oct. 25th. Aubree flew up here Oct. 29th and now our family is complete! This was the first time Aubree has ever flown by herself. Her Uncle Brian said he felt awful for leaving her at the airport in Vegas. She got lost for a few minutes at the airport in Vegas, but managed to get to the right gate and she arrived here safe and sound, wearing a shirt that her friend Tyrell had decorated for her with fabric paint. He spelled her name wrong, like most people do. I imagine I'll be apologizing for my oh so unique way of spelling her name for the rest of my earthly life.:o) The kids are all registered in school. Jason and Caroline are adjusting great! Richard is having a hard time. No surprise there, since autistics thrive on routine and sameness. Aubree is having a hard time, well, because she a teenage girl, I guess is reason enough. We all got here just before Halloween and a family from church invited us to a friend of theirs home for dinner and then the kids all went trick or treating together and had a fun time aside from some sore feet from all of the walking. I haven't taken many pictures since we got here. I'm just too tired. I need to see a doctor. That's just sad when you're too tired to pick up a camera and click! I like the house we're renting for now. The neighborhood is very quiet. Nice. Goodness! This is getting lengthy! See what happens when you forget you have a blog? Ugh.

When it Rains it Pours....Even in Vegas!

Well after about a 3 month dry spell, Scott is finally getting some action in the job search. Trying to keep all of the companies matched up with the right locations has been a little bit of a challenge for me. Tribeca Oven is a company in Carlstadt, NJ that makes artisan breads. They flew Scott to their plant last week and he said that it went well. He just wasn't too jazzed about the salary they were offering. He's also had several phone interviews with Direct TV. This job is located in Missoula, Montana. One of the perks with them is that we would have free Direct TV! Woo Hoo! We haven't had cable or anything like it in over 4 years. He's flying there this Wednesday and will interview and tour their place on Thursday. Speaking of Thursday! This Thursday, Aug. 27th will be the 18 anniversary of our first date together!! Anyhow, back to the subject. The week AFTER next week he is supposed to fly to further interview with Ebay. THIS job is in Timonium, Maryland. Oh and remember T-Mobile? The company who strung Scott along for MONTHS, offered him the job and then took it away?! Well they want to talk to Scott on the phone Monday morning about interviewing him for a job they need filled in Fort Lauderdale, Florida! Then there's a computer software company who also wants to interview Scott further. This job is in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I'm not to crazy about living in Louisiana OR Florida. That's hurricane country, you know!! But I've made up my mind to "be happy" wherever we end up living. Just as long as Scott has a job that will enable him to support our family and that it's a job he'll be happy with and we won't have to move anymore. I've enjoyed seeing different parts of the country. But I'm feeling like I've had enough adventure to last me a while.

Enough Drama Already!!

Aubree is at camp this week. Caroline doesn't have activity days this week. It's not my turn to be at the church for primary this week. So naturally, I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening at home with Caroline while Scott and the boys were at the church for Young Men's. Those plans had a slight damper put on them when Scott informed me that he needed me to sub for their pianist. The youth are singing in sacrament meeting sometime next month and since the girls are at camp this week, Scott was anxious to have the young men practice just their parts. Apparently, the NEED it. OK no biggie, I met him at the church and played piano for the young men to practice. After that, I took Caroline with me and went home. About 2 hours later while I was on facebook and watching Wipeout with Caroline, I get a phone call from Scott asking if Richard had shown up at the house because they couldn't find him anywhere. I told him no, it was just Caroline and myself at home. Scott was not positive, but estimated that Richard had been missing for about 30 minutes by then. Fortunately, a ward member saw him walking home (he wasn't far from the house) and picked him up. By the time we found him, it had been over an hour since anyone had seen him and I was giving a description of Richard to the police. He had done this before when we lived in CA. But we lived in a very small town compared to Las Vegas. Once we all got back home, Scott and I had a long, serious talk with Richard about how dangerous it is to go walking by yourself, after dark in N. Las Vegas. Richard explained that some of the boys at the church had hurt his feelings and so he removed himself from the situation instead of getting into a fight. We explained that removing himself was good, but next time he needs to find his Dad or another adult who is in charge and talk about it. However, I AM impressed that he actually WALKED the two miles from the church to our neighborhood. I need a nap!