Terminal Fatigue

Venting time. If you can't take it, then just ignore and move on.

I don't get it! I don't get why things happen the way they do. I have a firm testimony that Heavenly Father is mindful of all of us. Even insignificant me. I know that I wouldn't have lasted this long without the support of not only my husband, but also my Heavenly Father. But sometimes I feel like saying, "Really? This is REALLY what I signed up for when I agreed to gain a body and come to earth?" All I ever wanted was to be a simple wife and mom. Someday a simple grandma. I knew that there would be challenges, but give me a break! I can't even go downstairs for 5 minutes to put on a load of laundry without having to rush back upstairs to deal with a crisis! Or go to the bathroom! Or check the mail! Or brush me teeth! You get the picture here? I have 4 kids. Each with their own distinctive personalities and challenges. Granted, Richard's challenges are more pronounced. But they ALL have them and they ALL need me. I feel guilty that Richard takes up 90% of my time and energy and that the rest of my kids have to share the leftover 10% with each other AND the world. I love Richard, but being his mother is exhausting. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. But that's not enough! No, not by a long shot! Let's not just make Richard autistic so that he has difficulty at school, home an in society trying to comprehend and "ape" like the "normal" people do. No, let's just make him autistic ENOUGH so that he has the disability AND is fully aware that he IS different and that he DOESN'T fit in. Let's give him that longing desire of wanting nothing more than to "fit in" and be accepted and have real friendships, even though he doesn't have a clue about what it takes to have one or even have the ABILITY to understand how it all works! Then on top of that, let's give him bipolar disorder! Oh this will be a hoot, won't it?! We can sweep this one under the rug of "family history". But wait! There's More! Let's also give him intermittent explosive disorder! Yeah, there's the cherry on top of it all! With THIS disorder, he will lose complete control at the drop of a hat. His family can amuse others with tales of Richard smashing holes in walls, ceilings and shattering windows, busting windshields, etc...The thing about intermittent explosive disorder, is that the rage can last anywhere from 2 minutes to several hours. After the "episode", the person is left with a feeling of relief. Like how most of us feel after a good cry. The difference with IED is that after that feeling of relief and the feeling of what I call "a good kind of tired", comes the feeling of incredible remorse. After the calm, comes the realization of what the person said and did during his/her "explosion". Then just for kicks, the Dad will develop congestive heart failure followed by kidney failure. We'll give them a few months to sort of catch their breath, and then take away his job. The Mom will have recurrent panic attacks. This will be fun, because she'll only THINK she's having a heart attack! But she won't have them until her husband has been unemployed long enough for their insurance to run out.

Point is, I'm tired. I have been for a long time. I'm tired of the challenges I have. I'd like to know what it's like to experience the challenges that I hear others complaining about. Like, "How are we going to spend our $10,000 bonus?" Or, "We went boating and two of the kids got sick and we ended up spending our vacation at the 4 Seasons Hotel." Sounds like paradise to me. Puking kids and all. I'm tired of having to keep all of the food locked up so that I will have the ingredients when needed to make meals. I'm tired of keeping the sharp cooking utensils locked up as well. I'm tired of having to hide food storage so that it will be there when needed. In doing this, I have to keep changing my hiding spots, because Richard is always on the prowl for food. I'm tired of popping pills into my son. Are they helping? I don't know. Can I take him off the pills? That's kind of tricky because of the risk of seizures. I'm tired of people looking at me with pity. I'm tired of people offering to help in any way they can, because I found that out to be a lie. I don't blame them. I doubt that I would volunteer to help someone in our position either. It's life. Therefore it's not neat and tidy.

I believe we all have callings that Heavenly Father issued each to each and every one of us before we came to earth. The fact that we're here, is proof that we accepted these callings with all of the tears, joy, heartbreak and happiness that come with them. The question is, am I up to the task? I believe I am. But I sure am tired. Terminal Fatigue.