There are times when I feel like I know my children better than they know themselves. Then there are times when as a parent, I feel as though I am a stranger in a strange land. Once in a while, I have the rare occasion of catching a glimpse into the window of their souls and I am flooded with a myriad of emotions, thoughts and feelings. Some of these include: Humbled that Heavenly Father has allowed me to be his/her parent. Ashamed that I have not been as patient with these wonderful spirits that have been entrusted to my care as I should be. Embarrassed when I realize that although I profess to be understanding and patient with certain disabilities and shortcomings of others. I instead get caught up in the hurried chaos of everyday life and insist on them keeping in step with me, rather than helping them along. I am in awe when I catch that glimpse of who they truly are and what they are capable of.
To anyone that knows our family, it is no secret that we have some pretty significant struggles with our oldest. In some ways, both for him and for us, I think life would have been much less complicated if he had been born profoundly disabled. It would have been much easier for Richard to qualify for certain programs and financial aid to pay for them. It would have been easier on us as parents if people could have been able to just look at Richard and immediately identify him as disabled, instead of labeling him (as early as 1st grade) as the "bad kid" or the "problem child". Part of the difficulty Richard has is that he is SO high functioning, he doesn't see himself as disabled. However, he does know that he's different and that really bothers him. He honestly and truly resents this and tends to take his frustrations out on his family. This has recently spilled over into school and other places. But home with his family is still the place he feels most comfortable vent.
Yesterday at school he had an English assignment where he was asked to write down a list of 10 things he didn't like or that bothered him. After each thing that bothered him, he was to write one thing he was thankful for. He did the first one at school. "1. I don't like my family. I'll be thankful when they are dead." He told us when he got home from school over dinner. He looked at everyone at the table for a reaction. Our family is so used to this and we all know that what he wants is a big reaction so that he can have the excuse to act out. He got no reaction from the family. We just kept on eating dinner. After dinner, Scott worked with Richard to finish his assignment. Richard said that he had to start over because his teacher and aide didn't like what he wrote. Scott told him that if that is how he really felt, he could keep it, but that he needed to finish his assignment. Richard decided that he had changed his mind about writing that and didn't want to keep it. It took him a while, but this is his list he came up with.
1. It bothers me that I act like Michael Duane. (He was a bully at school last year)
I'm thankful that people like my anyhow.
2. It bothers me that Kelly doesn't forgive me.
I'm thankful that I don't have to say I didn't try.
3. It bothers me that I don't have a car.
I'm thankful that I have a low chance of getting crashed or running into a deer.
4. It bothers me that my Grandpa Langdon lives far away.
I'm thankful I can call him when I want.
5. It bothers me that Grandma Langdon is gone.
I'm thankful she is no longer in pain.
6. It bothers me that Uncle Scott and Aunt Lisa are divorced.
I'm thankful they both love me.
7. It bothers me that Uncle Bobby is dead.
I'm thankful that he's with Grandma Langdon.
8. It bothers me that Missoula has no Macayo's or Legends.
I'm thankful they still exist somewhere.
9. It bothers me that Ben, Eliot, Josh and every one of my (special needs) friends are in New Hampshire.
I'm thankful for Facebook.
10. It bothers me that there is no Disney park in Montana.
I'm thankful for my graduation because I get to go to Disneyland in California.
It bothers me that I can't just give my children those things that will make them feel truly happy. In the end, we each have to find those for ourselves.
I'm thankful Richard had a change of heart and rewrote the beginning of his assignment.
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